SO the past two weeks have been quite intense to say the least. My brother fell very sick over a weekend and after a trip to the local GP, was rushed into hospital with severe dehydration, Septisimia, a severe psoriasis flair up, chest infection, and the list goes on.....
Once i had found out that he was on his way to hospital in an ambulance, i knew i had to get to London as soon as possible. I knew in my heart this time, there was a chance he was not coming back. I was with my herd of beautiful ponies at the time. They all allowed me to kiss them on the nose before leaving. This is not something that happens often! I truly felt the love not just for me but for my brother and for his wife, his children and for my parents and my other brother, my husband. For everyone this was effecting.
I get the train, cry a little and then find this inner strength that has been with me ever since. And hand on heart I am certain it is all thanks to the 'present moment'. I knew what the worse case scenario was, I knew the what if's but i had to focus on the what was in front of me and this is what i have kept with me from the beginning, to the point now that I am desperate to cry and unleash a lot of emotion. Thing is life is busy and so i keep going from moment to moment but I am sure the time will present itself when it is right to pour out some tears. Who knows. But i feel ok. I feel calm.
Anyway... as I mentioned there have been past scenarios where my brother has been taken very ill. My husband and I were aware that he was not looking great and noticed he was sounding bitter, resentful, cross with life which is not him, he is the most loving, most beautiful, most kind soul but he is not the greatest communicator so I am guessing he was struggling to share his feelings. I think we just hoped he would call when he felt he needed to unleash his emotions. He never did. The next thing we know he is hospitalized and life is looking very uncertain.
Now, why am i sharing all this. I want to share the experience of love that we all felt and around him, when he was lying there, tubes coming from his mouth, tubes coming from a hole in his neck, tubes coming from his groin and from his arms... all connected to big machines, sounding various beeping noises and showing varying patterns, all monitoring his mineral levels, his Oxygen, his blood pressure (which was nil when he went in), his organs etc etc.. The picture was a tough one to digest. How? Why? He can't leave yet.... he has three little boys and a gorgeous wife to hang out with and as important as this he has a LOT to share with the world. He is a very sensitive being. The first couple of days he was still talking, not much and a little delirous but he was not yet in need of the respiratory machine, things looked as if they were going in the right direction... or so we thought. I headed back to Somerset to see my family and attend my Yoga classes that I teach. My big brother had landed from HK, so he said he was in charge now.... in a kind way!! :) Anyway half way through my teaching the following day, i see my brother's wife ringing. Not once, not twice but three times... Then my Mum calls. My stomach goes into knots. The class is put into a relaxation so that i can try and calm myself. I know things are not right. The lesson ends and I make the call. The Dr's are worried. He is struggling. He was put into an induced coma and put on respiratory and dialisis - what an incredible machine that is. Weirdly I don't run to the train station this time. I go home, I see the ponies and I talk, I talk and I talk to Damian. I feel he is elsewhere, he has an option and one option seems very peaceful and very beautiful. There are not the struggles of life down here. Wow, did I talk. I talked openly and honestly and with compassion but pleaded him not to give up on us all down here. He needed to teach his boys, his nephews and neices about things and they have a lot to share wtih him too and to teach him. Then i felt exhausted. I think he told me to be quiet. Maybe I am mad but I truly believe we were talking somewhere on a different vibration. Lightening, our wise old pony, came up into my space and gave me a message - "it is going to be ok." Now, I know for some of you all this will sound like 'crazy sh*t" but the more i play with a peaceful mind the more light comes in.
My sister in law placed a lovely photo of him on Facebook, just saying something along the lines of "come on Damian" .... and WOW everyone started writing the most beautiful things. The love was flooding in at pace, the thoughts positive and strong. And they kept coming and coming. It was truly beautiful. It was very comforting for the family i think. I certainly found it helpful.
SO, I hold off going up to London until Friday morning. I drop the kids at school, give my animals a big hug and my husband a big squeeze and off I go. I will come back Sunday, assuming all is ok. Again, I am in the moment. Every time my head wonders off, i brought it back, asking it to look at what is not what if... however this was put to the test when we all got to the hospital.
Friday, was tough. Why, I am not sure. Maybe it was the new Dr sitting us all down in a small room and going through ALL the issues with my brother. Maybe it was the sadness in all my family's faces. Maybe it was the whirling of thoughts flying around everyone's heads. Suddenly the 'what is' in front of me was very, very sad. But i just couldn't let the sadness and those thoughts come in... i believed he was going to be ok. He had to be. Physically, my head hurt all week. My body felt sick and weak and i had such a strong urge to just get on my mat and do Yoga and yet didn't find an opportunity or make the time. I have done so more than ever since his signs of recovery. :)
My mum and I sat with him until we had to leave and when we left, i felt he was so peaceful. Despite all the tubes, he was sleeping (which he loves), he had amazing nurses looking after him 24/7, he was resting. His body was allowed to heal. One thing i think we forget is the importance of sleep. I don't think he had slept properly for 5/6 days. Two days before coming in with a sick bug and then in intensive care. You can't sleep there really as they need to test everything every 5 minutes.... so here he was asleep, He had some help from the machines and thank you to these, and of course all the help from the Dr's and Nurses, he was able to start healing.
Saturday, he slept.
Sunday, he slept. I came home.
Monday, they started to bring him round...
Tuesday the tube is removed
Wednesday/Thursday... He speaks. Wow. Maybe quite a lot of jibber. But he speaks. We could see his eyes.
Thank you. I am so very, very grateful for his return.
Wow, a lot of writing here. I am not sure i was planning to write all that but there we go. I guess, what i would like to say is that when we move and live with awareness we are in touch with our hearts, with our souls - sometimes things get in the way and the mental chatter overides it all again - but the beauty of awareness is incredibly powerful. It helps us to live from a place of 'non thinking' which all sentient beings , apart from humans, live from. There is less chat, there is less discussion but what does come forth always feels true when it speaks from the heart. The love shared by all showered Damian and I have no doubt that Love is the most powerful healer of all.
For more information on workshops on how to live in the moment and from the heart please get in touch! xxx
And I am pretty certain Lightening said, 'it is going to be ok' and as I started to leave