So since I last wrote, I have had numerous restless nights, tossing and turning with adrenalin flying around my body and making everything feel very daunting, scary and uncomfortable. The adrenal thing is common when one has been 'diagnosed' with an auto immune issue. And right now my body is absolutely pumped with it!
I have really pulled in my tools this week. I have been riddled with the Fear, fear of getting really sick, fear of not getting better, fear of going mad...etc etc... and each time I pulled myself into the present and out of my thinking, I managed to stay calm and focused. And finally I would fall asleep around 2am. I share this with you as I bang on and on about the beauty of awareness and the beauty of living in this moment because I know it truly helps us, heals us and benefits us in so many ways. Life does not need to be riddled with fear and anxiety.
Last night I changed my perception. I went to bed with my accounts, my book, my tea and with the view that once my husband had fallen asleep if I was struggling I would move rooms and just work, so as not to disturb him. If I can't sleep, I can't sleep. I may as well embrace it and not fear it. My body is going through a process and I have to listen and try and go with it. I am of course helping it with Ashwaganda and Holy Basil and lavender balm and sleep balm and breathing etc but I cannot fix it just like that. Last night, I fell asleep at 10 and had no funny feelings when I awoke twice in the night. I was so unbelievably grateful when I woke up.
So perhaps my 'hate' for going to bed because of the fear of not getting to sleep has gone deep inside. Now by turning it into 'loving' going to bed and knowing that I am resting even if not sleeping, the whole thing is not so frightening. I will be ok! Our perception really is everything and we all see everything how 'we want to.' We have a choice.
This morning for example, after my Yoga lesson a couple of friends popped in for a tea. One of them said, ..."it is like your yoga, you are ok with that as it is built up by friends,... well with your relaxation evening it is nerve wracking for you because you are reaching out to people you don't know." She is right I am scared about putting myself into the next stage of sharing but her perception of my yoga classes is so different to mine. Yes, a few friends probably come to me out of loyalty, yet I have met some wonderful people through them coming to my yoga classes. It has been a very beautiful journey in that way. In fact I far prefer Yogis to be there for them selves rather than supporting me as they then get the full benefit. And perhaps, I perceived what she said different to what she meant? You see we can see everything as we want to and it is so often dependent on how we feel. Look at areas in your life that create a block or bring you suffering and unease adn see if you can change your perception of it. Play with it, practice it and embrace it. Be patient. keep practicing.
Remember Patience is a virtue.
So for today, connect to your heart, that beautiful, beautiful heart. Bring your hands into Namaste at the chest and bow your head and say thank you